Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Don't You Give Up On Me

Since my last post over four months ago I have been extremely successful, at losing money... an additional £6,000. Why? Because, I am a compulsive gambler, I slip in to the darkness unable to find my way out, lost and isolated. Every bet, this time will be different. It of course never is. I seem to travel so far but when I look behind me, I am at the same place I started.

Sunday, 13 September 2015

Cycle of addiction: from success to failure and back again

Addiction Cycle

The cycle of addiction is prevalent in the life of a gambler. Don't let your failures hold you back. Drive forward into the heart of success.

Having abstained from gambling for exactly 203 days, I relapsed. My actions have further reinforced that the addicted brain is both chemically and physiologically different from a normal brain.

I found myself with access to money and committed to gamble. Once I have made a decision to gamble, very little will get in my way.

Naturally I am disappointed with my actions. I was making great progress and despite this failure, I am still driven to succeed, my mind is still clear, and I still have an overwhelming amount of determination to make a difference. I had traveled half a year from placing my last bet; that's a beautiful success no matter what.

While a success can quickly turn to failure, there is a lesson to be learned, so I do not remain despondent. Instead, I consider the silver lining. My mind is far stronger than it has been and I am coping extremely well with my gambling urges. In fact, my gambling thoughts are a lot less frequent than during previous relapses and my thoughts aren't so obsessive as they once were. When I read through my gambling diary and compare where I am now, I have grown substantially. I might be demonstrating similar behaviour in some respects, but I have evolved, and my consciousness has expanded. Regardless of success and failures I am infallible, I am and will always be human.

Have you tried to recover from gambling and feel that you have failed? Don't give up hope, you too are human and infallible, and are most likely experiencing the cycle of addiction.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Live Poker Losses: £50

Gambling Loser

The bigger the climb, the bigger the fall. Don't let greed get the better of you.


Venue: Live
Buy in: £50
Session: 12:30 - 14:30
Duration:2 hours
Losses per hour:-£25


Sat down at a loose, aggressive table and tested my patience waiting for a strong starting hand while players showed down 92 of hearts and 73 off. At last, the perfect opportunity to demonstrate my understanding of a positive equity starting range.

After a couple of orbs, I had blinded away £6. I was tempted to get involved with many connected, suited cards. However, I didn't have enough money to speculate with these hands, and my patience was wearing thin. The best hand I held was KJ but decided to fold it to a pre flop raise. Two players got involved, one of them hit the flop hard with his K10 completing his straight and raised the long-standing question, "Is poker a game of skill or just luck?"

A new table opened up with the 'auto deck shuffler 2000!' to help speed up the action. I swiftly changed table. I won a succession of hands, but ultimately lost the lot within the hour, here's how:

  • A7s resulted in a profit of approx. £44. I was up against KQ, by the turn I was in search of the nut flush that didn't need to reveal itself as the river revealed an Ace. Villain ended up becoming tilted as his KQ was still strong by the turn.
  • A9s, a couple of opponents became involved with a large pre-flop raise from the button. The previous villain shoved, forcing one of his opponents out and leaving me with a difficult call to make. The board showed 8, 8 of spades and a 3 of diamonds. The villain either had a draw to the nuts, up and down straight or even two pairs. I called his bet off, and he revealed A9 and by the river we chopped the pot.
  • A4s one opponent, with a flushed board. Called a c-bet and got to the river with a couple of checks, won a small pot with a pair of fours and villain showed Ace high.
  • AK turned up and I had committed to getting the majority of my chips in, so decided to play deceptively with a 'blind' limp. Once again I was faced with the previous villain. By the turn, I had hit my Ace. villain fired the third bet down by the river on a flushed board. While I had the opportunity to go over the top, with just £40 behind, it wasn't enough to get him off his hand, so I just called. Turns out, villain caught a lucky 7 at the river giving them a straight. He looked shocked and stated how lucky he had been.
  • KQ button raised £15 and with KQ I raised all in leaving the villain to call off another £30. I paired my Queen on the flop. By the river, the villain had made his nut flush and slow rolled AJ.
Once again I was broke. At the height of the session, I was up to £150. Calling it a day within the hour, would have been a success but greed got the better of me.

While money is important to me and breaking out of addiction is still my ultimate goal, while caught up in the addiction cycle I must remain conscious of the lessons I learn.

For once I was reasonably patient, going several orbs without playing a hand that was unheard of before. Greed, however, did, as it always seems to, get the better of me. At what point was I willing to walk away, at what point is enough really enough?

In the future, my exit has to be sensible anywhere between a double and triple up. If I'm making the habit of walking into a casino with money, then I need to start making a habit of walking out of the casino with money. Easier said than done, right?

Lessons Learnt

  • Don't be so damn greedy!
  • It's only a game

Monday, 10 August 2015

Live Poker Losses: £250

Gambling Loser

Never reraise all in without the nuts being firmly in your hand


Venue: Live
Buy in 1: £50
Buy in 2: £250
Session: 12:30-14:30
Duration: 2 Hours
Losses per hour:-£125


I rarely have my bank card on me as my partner safeguards it. Unfortunately today I had it in my wallet and I ended up losing £250. As a result, I became overdrawn and had no financial manoeuvrability for the next three weeks. The bank also charged me for using a non-authorised overdraft, which compounded my financial problems.

With £50 behind, I gambled with J10s and got it all in, only to see my hand being crushed by K9s. Having paired my 10 on the flop, the villain claimed the pot as he made a flush by the river.

£200 Rebuy. 5 minutes later I had lost the lot, here's how:

Became involved with J10 again. By the river, I had a full house with a pair of 10s and 6s. Villain put me in a spot with a big river bet, so I mistakingly reraised him all in. He called revealing a bigger full house with a pair of Aces and 6s.

The villain couldn't have liked my all in reraise. However, there was no way he was going to fold because the range I was representing was too narrow and our stacks weren't deep enough. I became too involved in this hand. In retrospect, I should have just called it off, saving me money and only reraised with the nuts i.e. quad sixes or a much bigger full house i.e. 10s over 6s.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

My Gambling Recovery Success Story

Today is one of the most important days in my life. It marks six months of abstinence from gambling. I am immensely proud.

Personal development

Personal development is key to your success. An addiction will test your strength of character, only your resilience and determination will prevent or help you overcome a relapse. Therefore, it is essential that you commit to becoming the best version of yourself.

Focus on development

For those of you yet to begin your recovery, imagine standing at the bottom of a high mountain and the path to your destination is paved with ice. During your journey, you can slip at any time leading to a great deal of damage.

You must have the right skills to tackle this terrain. You must also try and try again until your perseverance pays off. When you reach the top, remember not to become complacent, instead remain committed to your development and focus on retaining your balance.

Maintain development

If you are already on your recovery journey, you must tread very carefully. Be mindful of your progress and take just one step at a time.

If you slip, stop sliding immediately. Understand why you slipped and then, with increased vigour, recommit to success and get back to where you were before your fall and beyond!

Sustain development

Do not consider your recovery as a way to overcome your addiction; this approach will result in excessive criticism of yourself and you could find yourself obsessing about not gambling, which is just as unhealthy as being obsessed with gambling.

Instead, you must focus on developing yourself no matter how big the challenge.

Detach addiction

Your addiction occurs because of your attachment to it, without attachment there can be no addiction and you my friend are free!

If you feel compelled to act out, it is due to you; your self-esteem; how you feel about yourself. You must understand the root causes which drive your insecurities and work through them. Through understanding freedom will come.

My recovery

Six months is a pebble in the ocean, yet fundamentally it is a pebble and it is in the ocean.

Upon reflection, I can see how far I have travelled. During this period, I have experienced some of the worse days, yet equally the best days of my life. I am extremely fortunate to have made such good progress, but it has taken a lot of time and effort to achieve this and I must reiterate personal development requires commitment.

The greater the distance between today and my last bet the more elated I become. Since stopping gambling, I have started to appreciate and enjoy my life.

I feel empowered, motivated and determined to achieve whatever I put my mind to. I have lots of energy that helps support my goals. My thoughts are so much clearer and I am able to articulate myself effortlessly.

Admittedly, I have little in terms of wealth, yet I am abundantly rich in my heart, mind and soul. As a gambler, I thought I was unlucky, but now I realise just how lucky I really am.

Did you know your mind tells you lies to prevent life changes?

Friday, 10 July 2015

How can I stop gambling?

Do you have a gambling problem? Are you addicted to gambling? Do you need help to stop gambling for a better future?

Many gambling addicts search for answers to their gambling problems asking,

"How can I stop gambling?", "How do I beat a gambling addiction?", "How to quit gambling?", "How to stop gambling forever?" or "Am I addicted?"

I established this Blog Diary of a poker gambling addict to help myself recover, while also providing tools to help you break free from your addiction.

You can improve your chances of success by reading or listening to other addicts about their recovery. You can also share your recovery story to help you understand your addictive behaviour while helping others reflect on their behaviour.

Did you know that telling stories is the best way to teach, persuade, and even understand ourselves? Our brains sync up when we tell stories.

Do you have an addiction story that you would like to share? It doesn't have to be related to gambling, you can consider any addiction that prevents you from living an enriched life.

You can either comment below or send your addiction story to me via the contact form in the footer, and I will feature your story on this addiction Blog. Rest assured, your anonymity will be completely respected.

Friday, 3 July 2015

Addictive Behaviour Patterns

Hello, I'm Phil McQuire. I'm a compulsive gambler. I will always be a compulsive gambler, even in recovery. I accept I cannot gamble.

Out of control

As a compulsive gambler, you too must accept that you cannot gamble. You share the same behaviour patterns as any other person suffering from an addiction. When you feed your addiction, your personality traits become exaggerated and uncontrolled.

How many of these addictive behaviour patterns can you relate to?

Low frustration toleranceYou cannot stand feeling uncomfortable for any length of time
AnxietyYou have have nameless fears and dreads
GrandiosityYou think the world revolves around you and are better than others; this is to hide your insecurities and low self-esteem
PerfectionismYou set impossible goals with inevitable failures
Wishful ThinkingYou arrange to do what you want to do, making it appear reasonable
IsolationYou are deeply insecure and deprive people of the real generosity needed to make close, enduring friendships
SensitivityYou take to heart and resent when people criticise you or say something about you in jest
ImpulsivenessYou want, what you want, when you want it!

Defence mechanisms

As an addict, you will also use defences to hide or avoid your feelings, to protect yourself or to try and manipulate others.

How many of these addictive behaviour patterns can you relate to?

RationalisingYou explain and justify your addictive actions
ProjectionYou cast blame and accuse others when you act out
IntellectualisingYou analyse, generalise and theorise to justify your actions
ArguingYou use arguments to evade root problems
JokingYou laugh when you are afraid or to mask your pain
ComparingYou compare yourself to others, "I'm not as bad as…" or "I'm more in control than..."
QuestioningYou interrogate others to take the attention from yourself
AgreeingYou agree and comply to avoid being 'found out'
SilenceYou ignore others that have hurt or upset you
Minimising or denyingYou make things seem less important than they really are
ArroganceYou are smug, arrogant, or superior in your day to day activities
ThreateningYou are quick to anger; shouting, intimidating to gain control
SeductionYou get what you want in dishonest ways
Being a foolNot taking responsibility for your actions; playing down your intelligence
ActingYou present a different persona to protect your addiction
Phony tearsYou shed crocodile tears to protect your addiction

Did you know the Addictive Behaviour Patterns as mentioned above are about an alcoholic, not a gambler? Whether you are a gambler, drug addict, sex addict, all addicts share similar addictive behaviour patterns.

What are you addicted to? How many Addictive Behaviour Patterns could you identify with? Share with others in the comments below.

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Gambling Addictions Campaign

Gambling Addictions Campaign

Last month, a year two BA Hons Advertising student at the University of the Arts, London, UK emailed me to ask for my assistance with an advertising brief for gambling addictions.

As of March 2015, the team is currently in the process of gathering research, which will enable them to try and understand more about gambling addictions. This will hopefully lead them to produce a successful and meaningful advertising campaign, which will help gamblers realise they are addicts and push them to seek help.

I want to take this opportunity to thank this student for reaching out and being so committed to such a worthwhile cause. Like writing, art is a strong medium that can help deliver messages that can help others. I sincerely hope they are able to work with charities to get their message out for real.

If you have a gambling problem, you need help. Take a moment to read my poker gambling addiction story. Unfortunately I cannot tell you how to beat your gambling addiction, I can only assure you that there is no quick, magical fix. I hope my poker diary will act a catalyst for you to begin your own discoveries so that in time you too can join me on this journey of recovery and learn to let go.

If you know someone who cannot stop gambling, please forward this gambling blog directly to them, do everything you can to help raise awareness of problem gambling. It is never to late too make a difference, but it will be too late if a gambler can never stop.

"Hello, I'm Phil McQuire and I'm a Gambling Addict"

Most of you know who I am, but for those who don't, please allow me to introduce myself. I am Phil McQuire, a 39 year old, gambling addict with a poker addiction. I have gambled for over five years, both in casinos, live and online. I have also been known to gamble on sports as well as other casino games such as Blackjack and Roulette, although to a far lesser extent.

I am an ex-gambler, however my position of being an ex gambler comes with no guarantees. It is important to acknowledge that as of March 2015, I have abstained from gambling for two months and my longest absence has been three months. While I am addicted to poker, I am trying my hardest to break free. The past two months have been really incredible; each day without a bet is a blessing and brings greater clarity to my mind. Yet equally, every day without a gamble brings pain as I try and cope with the death of a relationship, of an activity I enjoyed with great passion.

If a switch could be flicked to off so my gambling addiction was no more, I would flick it without hesitation as the act of not gambling far outweighs the act of gambling. There is however no such switch, only a will that can be broken at any point and without warning. It is with the strongest of will that I choose not to gamble. Equally, if I could wind back the clock and never lay my first bet, I would. However, rewriting history even if this was an option, would prevent me from being the person I am today. Through the sickness of gambling my self-awareness has grown exponentially and my learnings have revealed a better and stronger version of myself.

Through the acts of both love and suffering we learn aspects of ourselves that aren't available within the teachings of a book, yet lessons learned from these sources supplemented with unique experiences, do indeed accelerate our growth.

Our life path is unique. The question, "Why me?" can easily be lost in the answer "Why not you?" Do not feel sorry for yourself, get on with your life and change the course if you are not happy with it. No matter how deep your trauma; no matter how much pain you feel there are lessons that you must learn and be wholly accountable for. Whether the trauma is direct or indirect e.g. a consequence of your actions or not, your life is entirely your responsibility to come to terms with it and to heal yourself and in doing so, you will be in a position to help others help themselves. This is the greatest gift you can offer the world and through helping others it will help towards the rebuilding of your life and ultimately self-actualisation.

The answers to your suffering lay within, rippling through your soul; eager to be revealed. There is no escape from pain my friend; a life free of pain, is after all a life not lived. It is your responsibility to accept yourself for who you really are. Wounds are exposed not to cause more pain and suffering but to reveal a truth that is unique to each and everyone of us. You are the master of your destiny, be brave, peel back the skins and reveal your true raison d'etre.


Gambling attached itself to me five years ago. As a problem gambler, weeks often blur into months and months into years. You lose your sense of time as a gambler, because your life is enveloped by the thoughts and acts of gambling and nothing else matters.


In the early stages of my poker addiction i.e. within the first year, I was oblivious to the dangers of gambling. As my compulsions were reinforced conscious or otherwise, it became increasingly difficult to separate the act of gambling from fantasy and reality. Gambling became more concrete in my life while reality i.e. my normal life, was a distant memory.

Remember the first time you drank alcohol, it was most likely consumed with innocence. It is only when the act of drinking becomes habitual and a dependency forms does the sickness of addiction reveal itself. For some, addiction will not be a serious issue, instead other traumas will be revealed and the individual will have to address the problem in order to set themselves free.

Addiction reveals a new persona; friends, family and partners notice a significant and overwhelming change in personality. An immature addict lacks self-awareness and ends up driving the problem deeper into a cold heart of denial. Probing questions, are defended and often deflected with a negative emotional response, for example anger which is likely to result in arguments, this provides distance between the addict and the inquisitor. While the old-self cannot be erased, it is stifled by the addictive personality.

Urges are incredibly powerful and more often than not they will make you feel helpless, especially in the early stages of recovery. 

During urges you have to cope with emotions and feelings that you might not be familiar with. Emotions, thoughts and feelings can cause rise to anxiety. It takes time to develop an affinity with your urges. Initially urges can be perceived as dangerous, scary and a sure sign that you are going to act out. However, in time, you realise they can be used to your advantage, they become a direct link to your heart, they help convey something isn't right and that you need to address a problem -- acknowledging the problem is the first step and doing something about it is, well... another chapter!

Like developing a healthy, strong physique, developing a healthy strong mind takes time and requires practice and most importantly commitment. There are no short-cuts to success. My tip is never rush to fix yourself -- you have your entire life to solve your problems. Treat yourself with the utmost of respect and forgive your mistakes, after all you are human and humans by design are fallible.


Recovery is both a process and a turning point triggered by events and circumstances. Most gamblers, have to hit rock bottom before they address their problem(s). In order to hit rock bottom a lot of gambling needs to take place and so the dance of gambling addiction can last for years, albeit more commonly decades.

As a gambler, no matter how much you win it can never be enough and your losses will always be chased. The act of gambling is ironically not about the money, but rather the act of acting out to escape problems.

Addictions are about changing the way you feel; acting out is a form of self-medication, which in itself is an illusion; you think you are in control, when in fact your foot is on the first step of a descending spiral staircase.

Over the past five years, I have spent three years trying to break the cycle of gambling addiction. I was not born a gambler (albeit, some past life regression theories might dispute this) and I choose not to die a gambler.  I have to reflect on my behaviours to solidify my understanding of myself and work extremely hard each day to change my direction. The most important aspect of my recovery is being able to cope with my emotions and feelings as these alone have the power to make or break me.

As a gambler my anger is prevalent. I am angry for gambling; angry for not gambling; angry for thinking about gambling; angry for not wanting to gamble and angry for gambling. I am unable to cope with some situations that life throws at me and I have no way of coping when such events arise. I hold onto anxiety until it becomes too much for me. I then self-medicate by acting out. Once I have acted out, I feel extremely low; despondent; a failure so I resolve not to gamble again. In time, my feelings change, I forget how I previously felt and when the opportunity to gamble arises I am ready to act out again. If I were to allow it, this cycle of addiction has the power to keep me enslaved to gambling forever.


I stumbled upon online poker, as opposed to going out of my way to find it. What kept me hooked was the allure of becoming the world's greatest poker player. While there is an element of skill in poker, you cannot predict what happens down by the river, so luck has a major baring on your success, which is wrapped up in the theory of 'variance' which make losses justifiable and players feel better about themselves when their opponents suck out.

My feelings towards gambling are much different today. In relation to online gambling, you cannot beat their system, simply because it is their system. It is a business built to extract as much cash from suckers like you and I, so don't even try. You will never win. It will cost you everything and cause you a great deal of pain to realise this, so save yourself the trouble, stop gambling online and self-exclude yourself today, do it now!

While live environments cannot hustle you with algorithms, there are other advantages to the house, such as games being set up in favour of the house. From the perspective of poker, there are card mechanics and regulars are often very friendly with the dealers. Collusion (players working with one another with a view to exploit others) is rife but also difficult to prove. If you play live poker expect to be hustled in one way or another and expect to walk out a casino with either nothing or far less than you walked in with.


During my recovery I reached out to several organisations that provide gambling help. My advice is to get as much support from others during your initial phase of recovery as you need help from both specialists and people that can help understand what you are going through.

Priory - Rehabilitation, Treatment, Specialist Education, UK
Having been addicted to gambling for one and a half years, I attended a consultation at The Priory, Rehabilitation, Treatment, Specialist Education Centre in London, UK to help me rid me of my demons. Unfortunately I could not justify the £20,000 fee and over the long term, foolishly ended up donating the cash to the casinos. A decision I sincerely regret. At least some casinos donate some of their takings back to charitable organisations such as GamCare.

Gamblers Anonymous, UK
In the second year of my addiction, I attended a Gamblers Anonymous (GA) session. Admission is via donation and you can just turn up. My experience of GA was met with a major reservation as I felt I could be enslaved to this group for years as there were some veterans that had attended GA for several decades. This made me feel uneasy and that I was at risk of swapping one addiction/dependency with another. On reflection that was somewhat naive and my point of view was selfish. The act of helping ourselves is one thing but sticking around for decades to be of service to others is something else, worthy of a medal or OBE! I had some insecurities in terms of talking in public, this coupled with the shame of gambling and my mixed emotions confused me and prevented me from attending future sessions. I regret this.

GamCare, UK
In the third year, I attended GamCare. Admission was free, but limited to just six sessions. There is a waiting list but it is worth the wait. Being introverted and ashamed of my gambling it was difficult for me to share my problems in a group setting. However it slowly became easier as I was able to understand my own gambling issues through the admission of others. The sessions were short lived though, and at the end of the six weeks I was left to my own devices with no safety net.

21 Steps to Stop Gambling, Online
Approximately six months into my third year of addiction, I invested in a self-help system, that I imported. This system required a great deal of work but really helped me understand myself. I was really committed to doing the exercises and was open to discovering more about myself and my gambling problem.

National Problem Gambling Clinic, UK (CNWL NHS)
In my fourth year of addiction, I attended the National Problem Gambling Clinic (CNWL, NHS, Soho London). Admission was free, but be prepared for a long albeit worthwhile wait e.g. 3 months+. Counselling was private one-on-one and I was fortunate to have an awesome, understanding and an extremely helpful counsellor. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is the practice and there is a lot of homework, so you have to be committed. They also offered follow up support, however I never attended the group sessions, which was a mistake.


The act of gambling is riddled with shame. To me, it is a dirty, guilty secret that prevents addicts from reaching out due to the associated stigma. For an addict to get their fix they will lie, cheat and manipulate others. The addiction and desperation can be so strong that addicts cross the line of morality and commit crimes to fund their gambling addiction.

A support network is crucial to recovery, whether it is through friends and family or support group such as Gamblers Anonymous. My family and friends have been extremely supportive and my partner deserves a medal; her patience and tenacity has been nothing short of miraculous.


Urges are a paradox; they both exist and do not exist. A good day can bring clarity of mind, freedom and hope. A bad day can see your mind trying to trick you, to seduce you back in to the comfortable arms of gambling; triggers can set off a cascade of gambling related thoughts which can weaken your resolve to stop gambling and at some point you could break, which is why it is so important to have a suite of relapse prevention techniques in your recovery kit.

Urges are much like an itch; the more you scratch the more pain is caused, stop the itching and as painful and as uncomfortable as it will be for those few moments the pain will eventually subside. The more you experience urges and let them come and go, the more you will get used to these feelings and the greater the chance that you will recover.

Anything can draw me back in. I do not need a single reason to gamble. However, I do need reasons not to gamble. For success one thought must be more dominant than the other, if you want to understand your current position just answer this question honestly:

Ask yourself, "Is your desire to stop gambling stronger than your desire to continue to gamble?"


In the past, gambling has made me despondent, it has detached me from the world and left me feeling hopeless. Gambling has been a downward spiral that has almost financially ruined me and almost claimed my life.

As a result of gambling, I am currently unable to get life insurance and getting a remortgage, even with my same provider or any other form of credit is impossible. It is only with the greatest of determination that I try and rise above all of this, so I can walk into the heart of my future, with my head held high and my experiences set forth in front of me, so I am able to make richer, better informed decisions so in time, I am able to help others who find themselves in a similar desperate situation as I once was.


Gambling still affects me, and will do for sometime, if not for the rest of my life. I heard that for every year you spend gambling, you require a year of absence to recover. Having only abstained for a couple of months (as of March 2015), I have a long, long road ahead of me. Once gambling has seeped into your consciousness, you can only distant yourself from it, but it will always remain a part of you.

Right now I am struggling financially when I shouldn't be at all. Financial problems continue to create pressure and I am now walking a fine tight rope. I have very little margin for error, if I slip I lose everything and end up homeless. That is more than anyone should have to cope with, but that is the nature of gambling; it promises everything but delivers nothing. Victims willingly hand over their bank details to the casino time and time again; it's like a mugging but with no crime being committed and with the advent of online gambling just remember,

You don't have to leave your home, to lose your home!


The majority of my time was spent playing Texas Hold Em' No Limit Poker. For convenience I would play online. At the height of my addiction online gambling consumed every aspect of my life. In the later stages of my addiction I also got involved with sports betting and other casino games and soon realised that no matter the type of bet, the odds were stacked against me and even when things seemed pretty certain, I often lost.

I explored other types of gambling games to further reinforce how futile gambling was and to heighten my awareness of the variety of games, so my gambling experiences weren't just focused on one form of gambling i.e. Poker. I ended up playing Baccarat, Roulette, Slots, Blackjack, Sports Betting and even bingo and scratch cards! The exploration was limited to online, again primarily for the convenience, but in a sick way I felt I needed this experience to empathise with a wide range of gambling addicts as I want to explore helping others. Having exposure will help me understand others more. I put my self at risk and I can only pray that it was for the greater good.


Initially my habits were concealed but the more I spent involved with poker the more transparent I became. Admitting my addiction helped me become more self aware and while it didn't extinguish my gambling, as a result, my behaviour was more conscious. Being honest and transparent was only possible through unconditional love and a deep understanding of addiction. Everyone is prone to being addicted to something in life and those that think they aren't need to reflect and be a little more honest with themselves. My addiction protected my partner from becoming addicted to alcohol.

When someone is emotionally close to an addict, it will have a major impact on their life. If co-dependency is a factor, it will have a significant impact. When another human is suffering most want to reach out to help, support and provide comfort. This can result in extreme push and pull dynamics within the relationship causing tensions and disruptive behaviours such as anger and resentment. Those involved with an addict expect drama and a whirlwind of confusion. It is hard for an addict to understand their addiction, equally it is extremely difficult to understand irrational behaviours when a non-gambler observes the illogical actions of a gambler.


Yes, gambling affected my work. Gambling mugs you on a daily basis and not just your money but also your energy. It is not just your job that suffers, but your entire life.

In relation to work, imagine for a moment losing a £1,000 in a few minutes and then going to work the next day to earn £50-£100. Despite the damage you have afflicted on yourself, your mind is in another world, your passion, enthusiasm and motivation for life is diminished, you are there, in person, but your mind is not present. I was once referred to as a "broken man" despite that person not knowing about my gambling problem, he had formed his opinion on how I looked and he was spot on.

I frequently called in sick because I just couldn't face life, let alone work. I avoided life. Gambling I thought was my safety net but the whole in the middle of the net left me feeling exposed and vulnerable and ultimately hopeless. Now that I am healthier, I work hard, I am focused on my work and have stepped up my efforts ensure the business, myself and others succeed.

Gambling is filled with dark days; every time you lay down a bet you paint the sky a little darker. If you gamble to win there can be no end to your madness, you can set targets but you won't stick to them. Instead you will be constantly drawn to the flame and while the bright casino lights may temporarily seduce you, ultimately you will end up blind.

Like the wings of a moth touching the embers of a flame, a part of you will be burned and you will never be the same.

Monday, 2 March 2015

Gambling addiction readers please accept my apologies

Has it really been almost a year since my last post?

I sincerely apologise to all my ardent followers as well as new comers intrigued to learn what it is like to be a gambling addict. Aloofness  is not uncommon among gamblers; we bow our head in shame, guilty of actions and consequentially our relapses.

Over the past year I have been further sucked into a gambling vortex. Having now amassed over £75,000 of gambling debt, the reality of losing my home and every material possession within and on my person, edges nearer. The torment of my soul is comparable to the delicate cries of a dove.

Yet, despite my turmoil I move forward with grace and miraculously with great strength. Upon reflection despite my lapses, losses and suffering, the past year has lead me to a much stronger place. I have gained a wealth of personal knowledge that touches my being. My discoveries are not available in a book, off-the shelf or even accessible on Netflix, as my lessons are unique to me.

My biggest dream is to connect with others that find themselves in a similar situation or heading in a similar direction. Through my eyes and experiences I wish for you to see how gambling will bring you to your knees. My experiences may be unique to my own discovery, but the consequences of gambling are the same for all of us. You are special to realise your own individual worth, but when your life is wasted and focused on gambling your special traits will be put aside until you are ready to live.

Gambling is a futile activity wrapped in empty promises. Those with fresh eyes believe me and turn your cheek so you never face the gambling temptation that will destroy you. The lessons I have been taught and the experiences I have had are bountiful. Receive these words as my gift to you and hold on to them, close to your heart and live your life with as much beautiful intensity as you can imagine and realise and entertain your own promises and never those of an illusion.

Thanks to Alex Borland for the photograph of the Cemetery Angel In Graveyard

Sunday, 1 March 2015

Problem Gambling Awareness Month

"March is Problem Gambling Awareness Month (PGAM)! During the month of March, and all year long, NCPG aim to raise awareness about problem gambling. The goal of this campaign is to educate the public and healthcare professionals about the warning signs of problem gambling and promote the availability of help and hope both locally and nationally.

NCPG encourages everyone to Have the Conversation about Problem Gambling. Most adults gamble or know someone who gambles, and therefore could benefit from programs to prevent gambling addiction. We believe many who suffer in silence do so because they don’t know why they developed a problem, what gambling addiction is or where to get help. Use the resources on this page to learn the signs of problem gambling and know that help is available."

Please share the Gambling Addiction Questionnaire with friends, family and loved ones to help raise awareness of problem gambling through March and beyond.